Well, Douchebag Steve and Brown-Nose Pete
They were the best of friends
So when Douchebag Steve needed money one day
He stole Peter's wallet, what a dickhead
Pete, currently a footstool
Made his frank displeasure plain
Sayin' "That's my shit, Stevie Boy
Just ask and you'll get paid"

Well, Douchebag Steve swapped his feet round
And let his leather boots dig in
The puppy-dog eyes of Peter on him
Did jack to soften him
"Could ya please not stare at me like that?" he said
"It makes me sick inside
I don't need to ask your ass, you know
I own your pathetic hide"

Well, Peter, he just gulped and said
"Alright, I'll leave you here
Guess you better hurry up and find some other spineless schmuck
Because I must disappear"
"Say what? You must be kiddin' right now
Cause you're a total dweeb"
Peter's laugh escaped his throat
And said "Absolutely!"

"Absolutely" said Douchebag Steve
With a laugh so full of fire
"That's right" said Peter "Absolutely
What's on today's agenda, sire?"
"Oh, you know, the standard things"
Said Douchebag Steve with a smile
"Alright" said Brown-Nose Pete
"Wait, what were they? Slipped my mind"

Well, Douchebag Steve, his eyes rolled round
How to jog mem'ry?
When just then a passin' stranger
Ah, a victim! Neat!
Sayin' "Are you Douchebag Steve the asshole
Who rags on the geeks?
Well, if you are, I hear nature callin', so I'll just go
To get flattened, I've no need"

"Oh, yes, that is my schtick"
Said Douchebag Steve real bright
"I heard your grades are doin' well
So that means you plain can't fight"
"No, well, yes, but..." said the stranger
As timid as a mouse
"Well, I may not kick like Bruce Lee, no
Tekken doesn't count"

Well, Douchebag Steve, he cackled
Brought his knuckles up to crack
And after the last one went "Pop!"
One Brown-Nose Pete did laugh
"That's right, you better run" he said
"Or the whole world will know
The exact brand" says Brown-Nose Pete
"Of underwear that you own"

Well, Douchebag Steve, he chuckled
And let the poor nerd run
This is just some random, no-name twerp
His main targets were to come
He just stood there staring
Waitin' for them to come down the main hall
In their consistent colours
With no reason for that choice at all

Well, through the crowd ran Douchebag Steve
Followed by his close lackey
They opened up their mouths
To hurl insults at these too-good teens
It should've put them in their place
But somehow it's his pride that hurts
As well as that of Brown-Nose Pete
Once more, their plans didn't work

No-one really said a thing
But they sure did laugh a bit
Because, of course, who can't find any joy
In bullies gettin' kicked?
It always happens with these schmoes
These two out-loud-and-proud heels
No way those goody-goodies kick
Ass that well, they feel

Well, the moral of this story
The moral of this song
Is simply if you want to bully
How about, instead, not?
Because your tactics will end up with your thumpin'
Only friend's a toad
And those teenagers with attitude
Will turn the tables, you dope