Once there was a summer rainstorm when my coaches tried to brainstorm,
But we were in such inane form, we missed what we were looking for.
At this late night coaches' meeting, my staff sadly kept repeating
Visions that were self-defeating about why we could not score.
Poor play-calling, lack of talent, these are why we could not score,
Plus a few excuses more.

As we approach a new September, will my offense have one member
Who has skill and might remember what that oblong ball is for?
Touchdowns and time of possession ought to be my team's obsession,
But I just feel more depression ev'ry time we fail to score.
Penalties and fumbled handoffs mean the Ravens do not score,
And we might not evermore.

It would be exciting to be the coach for an All Pro QB.
But we have an unskilled newbie taking snaps for Baltimore.
I would be ecstatic planning plays involving Peyton Manning
But his team's no longer spanning the hash marks of Baltimore.
(Cursed be that wretched owner who abandoned Baltimore
And will be shunned evermore.)

If we brought back John Unitas, would his talent re-ignite us?
Touchdowns were not accidental when he played for Baltimore.
Since we lack that "go-to" player, we are left without a prayer.
And I pop another Bayer to relieve a head that's sore.
Doctor, give me something stronger to relieve a head that's sore.
Then I'll worry nevermore.

I should rearrange my roster since my offense has imposters,
Whose Baltimore signing bonus was their only recent score.
Would a lineup change unglue us? What would other teams do to us
If I asked my star Ray Lewis to play tight end for Baltimore?
And would Kyle Boller stop the run as nose guard for Baltimore?
Or would our foes always score?

Why do player acquisitions suffer career demolitions
When they sign a Raven contract, and our offense they play for?
Why do diabolic voices torment our tight end draft choices?
Is that why not one rejoices when he's picked by Baltimore?
Can't I find someone with magic who can play for Baltimore?
Maybe Albus Dumbledore?

Of new Super Bowls I'm dreaming, which led me to do some scheming.
Into New York I went, screaming, up to Tagliabue's front door.
One concession I requested: "If a Raven gets arrested,
Don't make my team be divested, though his actions you deplore.
Else we might lose half our players for behavior you deplore.
Half our players, maybe more."

Then I begged the Rules Committee, "Show my quarterback some pity.
Let us score like Kansas City; or, at least, just let us score.
I would not need pain relievers if allowed six wide receivers,
Then the fans might be believers in the Birds of Baltimore.
Help me stop the ceaseless question from the fans of Baltimore:
"Will the Ravens ever score?'"

But my pleas were disregarded, and ESPN bombarded
Me with stories that predicted this year's team would never score.
Doctor, how can I continue working in this hostile venue?
Coaching isn't easy when you feel like you are in a war.
Tell me, doctor, when will I win this uncivil, psychic war.
Quoth the doctor, "Nevermore."