I've a secret to confess
Though you may think of me less
I must live with the shame
But I'm really not to blame for the mess
I've never been to the bathroom

Not just me nay yet my mother
Nor my Grandma aye before her
Several generations more
Have always graced the floor
With the dark matter, and
I've never been to the the bathroom

I've never been to the bathroom
Never been gruntin' in the mornin'
Oh, I've never left a great big dump
In the bonny bonny rim of white porcelain
Still, I know one day that I'll
Leave a great and massive pile
To be left on the floor like the dog's done before many times
But I've never been to the bathroom

This lavatory tells a tale
Of gritty strife and too much ale
And the Charmin was stole by a parcel of rogues
So I'm told 'cause
I've never been to the bathroom

It was a fecel helical twist
My dear old appetite
That I'd always had
Then they all left their brown
Never to profound the porcelain twist
So I've never been to the bathroom

I've never been to the bathroom
Never been gruntin' in the mornin'
Oh, I've never left a great big dump
In the bonny bonny rim of white porcelain
Still, I know one day that I'll
Leave a great and massive pile
To be left on the floor like the dog's done before many times
But I've never been to the bathroom




I must dance a highland fling
I love to hear the floorboards ring
I know all about yellow snow and the walls smeared with mo'
Yes, I'll sing but
I've never been to the bathroom

I've been on Grandfather mountain
And I've browned over the Texas highlands
I've seen bluebonnets wilt
As I hummed a Scottish lilt by Bobby Burns
But I've never soiled the lavatory


I've never been to bathroom
Never been gruntin' in the mornin'
Oh, I've never left a great big dump
On the bonny bonny rim of white porcelain
Still, I know one day that I'll
Leave a great and massive pile
To be left on the floor like the dog's done before many times
But I've never been to bathroom
No, I've never been to bathroom
Oh I want to go to the bathroom