Ralph, I know we're wed
You take up the whole bed
Norton is an ass
He always smells like gas
I wonder where's your brain?
I wonder if it even functions
All that's in your head
Is your wildest schemes

I'm here as your mate
And sometimes you say I'm so great
And sometimes "to the moon"
I think I married one fat loon
A blunder to be sure
A blunder that is just compounded
From what's in your head
And your wildest schemes

And when this sitcom plays
The silly plots go on forever
When this sitcom plays
You are still round
And fat as ever
Once you had a mind

Once beneath you, dear
It's I who disappear
Laughter gets us through
That "hardy-har" from you
I'm glad they like our show
Sure been on for may decades
Plotting in your head
All your wildest schemes

(Bang zoom!)
All your wildest schemes