1] I'd like to teach the world to sneeze
In abject misery;
I'd like to give the world a cold--
Just like it's given me!

2] I'd love to have a bunch of friends
From all across the land--
But get hold of a rubber glove
Before you shake my hand...

[countermelody, sung in background]

That's the song I sing
When I can catch my breath
Cause I've caught me the death
Of the common cold...

3] The more gargantuan the bloke,
The faster made infirm:
So goes the havoc wrought by just
One microsopic germ...

4] If we can send men to the moon
Why aren't we able, dear,
To send the ones who've caught a cold
So they won't spread it here?!?

[repeat first verse, with countermelody]