Settees I like the most, babe,
A Duncan Phyfe is for sale, babe.
You know I really want it, so I can keep sittin' on.
You know I really need it, so I'll keep on sittin' on.

I want it so I keep sittin' down--promise I won't fart.
I'm lonely for that Duncan Phyfe, 'cause it is a work of art.
You think it's overpriced and that they would be gouging me. No way!

Settees I like the most, babe,
Be a sweet wife and say "yes," babe.
You know I really want it, so I can keep sittin' on.
You know I really need it, so my can is hangin' off.

To ensure it's not broken up, I won't let on my fat friends
Sit on it with big rear ends; and if I break it apart I'll make amends.
[spoken, sotto voce]: If I did, I'd put in a screw and glue it.

So-o-o
Settees I like the most, babe
A Duncan Phyfe is for sale, babe
Let me get it won't you, babe?
Or I'll be whinin' all day, babe!

I'll handle it carefully,
Just as I do your fine mammaries.
You know how softly I feel 'em--
I hold 'em just like a baby.
And when you hold them yourself,
Your hands form a supporting shelf. Nay-nays.

I'm gonna be a man about. . .get this settee
You've gone beyond micro-management; you're abusin' me.
"F*ck off! Get out of my life," says wife, "and go sleep with your Phyfe!"