There are three major telephone scams going on in Kansas City right now. A Chinese-sounding fellow calls out of nowhere and offers to fix a computer virus. I can have some fun running him around my non-existent computer till I get bored. Then, there is the Russian dude who claims he can release to me a $9000 government grant if I will first purchase a pre-loaded debit card for $100 and give him the number. I told him it was a fake. He cursed me "in the name of Jesus" and told me I would die in a car accident the next day. Not only didn't I die, but he called me back to ask if I had purchased the debit card yet. But, the worst, and most persistent is "Rachel (sometimes, Carmen) from Cardholder Services", who calls at the most inopportune moments to tell me she can lower my credit card interest rates. Usually, when I ask a question, she or her flunky just hangs up. Sometimes, the phone will ring, I'll answer "Hello", and the recording will say "Good-Bye" and hang up. Very irritating. The phone company says I should call the police. Like the cops in my small Kansas community are going to track this be-yatch to Azerbaijan or wherever she's calling from. As a libertarian and a parody writer, I hold freedom of speech in the highest regard. But it does not apply to unsolicited telemarketing phone calls from scam artists. The NSA needs to use its massive phone surveillance system to track these worthless slugs to the ends of the planet and send them the way of Osama bin Laden.

"FTC" (Federal Trade Commission), useless agency which pleads helplessness when ordinary citizens are victimized by harassment telemarketing scams. NSA (National Security Agency), another agency which spies on all phone calls and web sites, including this one. Could probably put a stop to phone scams, but won't. PSA (Public Service Announcement): Don't attempt to make any weapon you see described on the Internet. The same bogus plans are copied repeatedly and contain much misinformation. You need your fingers for typing, and your eyes for reading my songs.