I was watchin' T.V. alone with my trusty all-in-one remote
When along came the postman with a "Hi" and a heavy tote
I started in to shoot the breeze and yakked along, far and wide
And then I said my adios and then I settled back inside
I sat back down to surf the tube but something was amiss
And I said, "Damn it! Where is that darn remote? The hell with this!"

I looked everywhere, man
I looked everywhere, man
Underneath my chair, man
I searched my filthy lair, man
Unraveled my couch bare, man
I looked everywhere

I looked in:
Closets
Coverlets
Carpets
'Fridgerator
Hairnets
All the pets
Toilets
Radiator
Calender
Toaster
Juniper
Vacuum cleaner
Roaster
Cannister
Bannister
Round my weener
Trash can
Ceiling fan
Pots and pans
Under pillow
Window sill-o
Bureau drawer
Oh, what horror

There's still morer!

I've looked everywhere, man
I've looked everywhere, man
Underneath my chair, man
I've searched my filthy lair, man
Unraveled my couch bare, man
I've looked everywhere

I looked in:

Bedrooms
Living rooms
Bathrooms
And down each staircase
Dining rooms
Playrooms
Dayrooms
Attic crawlspace
Stereo
Video
Radio
My computer
Front desk
Back desk
Little desk
Used a rooter
Underwear
Outerwear
Teddy bear
T-shirts
Wife skirts
Bowling shirts
And my skirts

Boy, this hurts
I looked everywhere, man
I looked everywhere, man
Underneath my chair, man
I searched my filthy lair, man
Unraveled my couch bare, man
I looked everywhere

I looked in:

Kitchen shelves
Book shelves
Top shelves
In the dryer
Tool shed
Under bed
By the head
In the fire
Back yard
Boulevard
Front yard
My car
Gunnysack
Paperback
Fanny pack
By the bar
Window pane
Water main
By the candles
In my sandles
In a pail
By the mail………………………………………………………………………………………

Oh, what a Schween!
It was sittin' there, man
It was sittin' there, man
Why didn't I stare, man
I'm rippin' out my hair, man
My house will need repair, man
It was sittin' there