Anybody heeeere seen my old friend Christopher?
Can you tell me where he's goooone?
He made lotta movies, but it seems he’s still Dracula
He returned to Middle Earth, now he's goooone

[Brief interlude with Hammer Horror highlights]

Anybody heeeere seen my old friend Wes?
Can you tell me where he's gooooone?
He made lotta people ‘fraid to sleep or to answer phones
The hills have less eyes, ’cause he's goooone

[Brief instrumental interlude-organ plays over Last House on the Left trailer]

Anybody here seen my old friend Betsy?
Can you tell me where she's goooone?
She killed lotta people down at Crystal Lake for her son
Just like “Ch, Ch, Ch,” now she's gooooone

[Mrs. Voorhees kills Annie]
[Mrs. Voorhees kills Kevin Bacon]
[Alice beheads Mrs. Voorhees]

Didn't you love the films that they spooked for?
Didn't they try to scare the shit out you and me?

*The phone rings. Song stops.*

Hello?

*Other line*
What are you doing?

Me? Oh, I’m singing a heartfelt tribute to horror icons who have died recently.

*Other line*
Oh, you like scary movies?

Love ‘em.

*Other line*
What’s your favorite scary movie?

I like a whole bunch.

*Other line*
You can only have one favorite.

Okay. Halloween.

*Other line*
Not Rob Zombie, I hope.

No, the original. The John Carpenter original.

*Other line*
Okay. Enjoy your scary movies then.

*Hangs up*

That was weird. Anyway…

*Song resumes*

Didn't you love the films that they spooked for?
Didn't they try to scare the shit out you and me?
This Halloween’s
Gonna hurt, like a mother “Ha ha”

Anybody heeeere seen my old friend Dick Smith?
Can you tell me where he's goooone?
I thought I saw him puttin' some hooooror makeup
On Christopher, Betsy, and Weeeees