"Dating Freaks Online"

It'd been so long since I'd been on a date.
I hate when friends set up blind dates.
The girls they pick couldn't tie a shoe.
I'd just stare discretely at their boobs.
My friends, they don't know what I like.
I said, "You're fired. Take a hike.
I'll find a soul mate on my own."
They laughed and hung up the phone.

So I decided to go on the world wide web
To find some love on the internet.
And I, I should have listened to my friends
Instead of dating freaks online.

The first girl, Kim, was super hot.
She liked to jog and climb rocks.
She was in amazing shape.
I found that out when I tried to escape.
I woke up, and I was chained to the bed.
She was in her climbing gear
Swinging over my head.
I prayed to God to help me.
Oh, I prayed to God to help me.

Asking why did I go on the world wide web
To find some love on the internet.
And I, I should have listened to my friends
Instead of dating freaks online.

Yes, I do regret the choice
To try again and get back on that horse.
The next girl was 52.
Her photo was when she was 22.
We met up at a hotel bar.
The woman was missing one of her arms.
She took out a case
Put her teeth inside
And introduced her husband by her side.

Why did I go on the world wide web
To find some love on the internet.
And I, I should have listened to my friends
Instead of dating freaks online.

Why did I go on the world wide web
To find some love on the internet.
And I should have stayed with my last girlfriend
Instead of dating freaks online.

Too many freaks online.
Some serious freaks online.

Why did I go on the world wide web
To find some love on the internet.
And I would have preferred to get stabbed in the eye
Than have to date those freaks online.

I would rather set myself aflame,
Drink blended bugs and monkey brains,
And peel my toe nails off one at a time
Than have to date those freaks online.
I hate those freaks online.
Don't ever date online.